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| Christ’s body missing in campus-wide search By JESSE DARLAND Giddings Correspondent
Irate students and alumni began assembling outside Giddings Hall early Friday morning. They held signs and chanted slogans that demanded Pollard do something about Christ and his followers, who were disrupting traditional Greek Week festivities. For most of the morning, Pollard was inside interrogating Christ, who hails from Gallatin County, an obscure county in the northern part of the state. “My wife and I came down here to see the old campus, and there’s this yahoo running around saying things like, ‘It’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven,’” Robert “Bill Bob” Andrews (‘69) told The Back Page Friday morning. “If this keeps up, I won’t be making my donations to build another fitness center.” Some have said that the crowds were being controlled by members of the college’s religion faculty who were jealous of the influence Christ had gained on campus. “It’s definitely a possibility,” said Ann Bradford, who said she “kind of knew” Christ. The freshman had a habit of “challenging them in class, you know, saying they were wrong,” Bradford said. But professors weren’t the only people Christ confronted. “We wanted him to come to speak at [PHA] devos,” Jeff Sparks, a PHA, said. “But then we noticed that he hung out with strange people, outcasts and sinners, you know, like KAs, AGDs, Collierites and Knight Hall RAs.” Lamb devos fared no better; when Claude Anderson asked Christ to stop by, the freshman said, “Woe to you! For you wash the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence,” according to Anderson. “I was like, ‘Whoa, dude! Forget it then,’” Anderson said. When Pollard and Christ finally emerged from Giddings, the crowd asked that Christ be punished. Pollard tried in vain to assert that the case was not under his jurisdiction; Christ was a student, and should therefore be tried by Dean of Students Todd Gambill. Gambill siad that he could find nothing wrong with Christ, but this did not placate the crowd, who demanded that the freshman be crucified. A cross was erected in Giddings Circle, and Christ was nailed to it. Campus Safety then took his body and buried it in the monument garden in front of Cooke. Pollard and his governing staff thought they could finally put the whole incident behind them, but early Sunday morning a strange incident occurred. The Campus Safety officer on patrol saw that the grave of Christ had been opened and that his body was gone. He pedaled his bicycle furiously back to report to Dan Brown, Director of Campus Safety. “We’re currently investigating the incident,” Brown said. “Right now we suspect that some of Jesus’ friends and followers took the body for some nefarious purpose.” But his followers dispute this accusation. Speaking under condition on anonymity, one disciple, who identified herself only as “Mary,” said, “I went to see the place they laid him, just to pay my last respects. It was horrible, horrible what they did to him! He just wanted to help them see God, to find true happiness and love.” Through tears, Mary said that when she reached the burial plot, a man told her that Christ had risen. Mary is still unsure what the stranger meant, she said. “Peter,” another disciple, is unsure what he will do next. “Those of us who are left don’t know what to do,” he said. “We’re afraid we might be next. Right now, we’ve just been trying to remember all that Jesus talked about. We haven’t been going to classes or anything.” He said that he and some of the other friends of Christ are contemplating a fishing trip in the near future. Sharon Felton, director of the Baptist Student Union and Georgetown’s campus minister, could not be reached for comment. Sources say that she and the rest of the BSU have been holding “baptismal” services at the Elkhorn for the past few weeks, after the manner of their late leader, John, who was reportedly beheaded by Gambill earlier in the semester. Jesus’ parents, Joseph and Mary Christ, are considering taking legal action against the college. |
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